10 Things that are Things

I get it. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what’s actually an actual thing and what’s, like, some kind of intangible concept or universal axiom or something. To edify the inquisitive and educate those with too much time on their hands, I have compiled the following list of 10 things that are, in fact, things (in no particular order).

Thing #1: A Pimp that’s sort of a panda and also sort of a rattlesnake and a lizard and an antelope.

Pandalope (painted)

This is Pandalope the Panderer. His first appearance is in the epic travelogue / world atlas The Whole Hole – A Gadabout’s Guide to Mutha Oith – Volume 01: Keister Island. Today he’s one of the most popular figures in the Low Life Miniatures line of 30mm metal miniatures by Mutha Oith Creations. Pandalope is a tizn’t, which is sort of a random combobulation of extinct animals.


Here’s an excerpt from that book I just mentioned:

Pandalope the Panderer, a pimpular tizn’t from Over There, runs a stable of strumpets in the alley between the Slargleflop and Pickled & Plowed. He has a standing arrangement (well, more of a lying down arrangement) with Slargle, the proprietor of the Slargleflop. In exchange for the discounted use of Slargle’s beds, Pandalope extends the security afforded by his multiple horcish bodyguards to the flophouse and its owner.

Pandalope caters to all tastes and inclinations. If your personal perversion isn’t in stock he can probably arrange for it within the hour. His stable is pretty respectable too, employing such fine specimens as Amanuensis the Septapod (a seven-armed tizn’t with two mouths and an unknown number of other apertures), Kremekle the Kinkqueror (a cremefillian whose artistry with the lash makes grown peeps weep leathery tears), and Teensy Bertilda (a miniscule werm who does her lovin’ from the inside). They’re clammy but worth it (so I’ve been told by a friend), far superior to the scraggly hags plying their trade on the tables of Pickled & Plowed.

Thing #2: Fish Pie

According to professional thingologists, fish pie is indeed a thing. Here is photographic evidence:


You know what would be more fun than fish pie? Cake pie. You know, like make a pie crust, then pour cake batter into it, then put on a top crust and bake that mofo up like kids in a witch’s oven. Has anyone ever done that? Is cake pie a thing? I don’t know if it was this morning but it will be by this evening. Send me your cake pie pictures and I’ll post them for all to see.

Thing #3: Con on the Cob’s Cosmic Circus

Well, technically it isn’t a thing yet. It’s more of a concept at this point, but it will be a thing from October 16-19, 2014. If you aren’t in the loop get thee hence to the official Con on the Cob website and check that brother out! It’s only, like, the most fun thing in the history of things.


What’s a cosmic circus, you may be tempted to inquire. You would be justified in doing so, so here’s your answer: It’s just like, this thing we’re putting together to blow the minds and also the socks off of everyone who gets his or her shiny wazoo to Con on the Cob in 2014. In addition to all the shloads of games and parties and art and shopping and guests and madness that Con on the Cob usually entails, we’ll have all sorts of cosmic circus inspired jazz to wrap around your head-holes. A cosmic circus is, to be blunt, awesome. It’ll be even more awesome if you’re there, so grab your tub of Blushing Coblin and get your shiny wazoo to Con on the Cob!


Thing #4: A Watermelon Monkey

I guess this one isn’t really a thing anymore, because my daughter ate it. Also, I guess it’s not actually a monkey, because it’s a chimp and chimps are apes. You can tell it’s a chimp and not a monkey because it doesn’t have a tail. Also, it has that “I’m an APE DAMMIT! Don’t you dare call me a GOOSIN’ MONKEY YOU STINKING PILE OF EFFLUENCE FROM THE BUNS OF A SYPHILITIC CAMEL!!!!!!! look in its grapes. It was, however, a thing recently enough that I’m going to let it squeak in.


It kind looks like Ron Perlman. Ron Perlman is still a thing, so there you go.

Thing #5: Bathroom Selfies (The Daily Dump)

Yeah, taking tasteful, artistic pictures of oneself while pooping is totally a thing. Maybe it shouldn’t be, but it is.


You can also take selfies while cruising on a merry-go-round, but those aren’t quite as controversial.


Thing #6: This Horrifying Thing

Poor, poor Diego. He appears to have a touch of the somethings.


It’s like Diego was imprisoned in some sort of cage, possibly by a Senator whose daughter was kidnapped by a transvestite serial killer, and then he had to remove the face of some guy who looked vaguely like himself and then put that face over his own face in order to escape or something like that.

He also has a strap across his shoulder that doesn’t have any sort of bag or pouch attached to it. Weird, but still a thing.

Thing #7: Oatmeal made with Coffee Instead of Water


Oh man, is this thing ever a thing. You should try it sometime. It tastes awesome, especially with maple and brown sugar oatmeal, but it might call into question the integrity of your bowels and the solid consistency of the contents therein.

Scientific Evaluation of Coffee-Oatmeal-Andy’s Bowels Interaction

Urgency: 6
Consistency: 3
Moh’s Scale Hardness Rating: 0.3
Velocity: normal
Duration: 6 minutes
Integrity: 4
Gastronomic Distress Index (GDI): 2.87 +/- .08
Loudness: <2 
Aroma: (Crulump’s Nasalification Scale): 2.34 (relatively undetectable)
Cleanup: 4 
After effects: to be determined
TMI Index: way

Thing #8: Dementalism: An Ingenious Game of Ingenious Ingeniousnessness

Hells yes, Dementalism is a thing! Here’s photographic evidence.


If you aren’t in the know you should be, on account of my livelihood and the food on my childrens’ plates kind of depends on it. Guilt trip your way to Lowtique.com and nab yourself a million and twelve copies right away.

Thing #9: Haunted Pumpkin Pie


Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!! KILL IT WITH GUNS!!!!!!

Yes, I realize this is the second pie on the list. I also realize it’s not really a thing anymore (’cause eaten), but its memory lingers and memories are things, kind of.

Thing #10: Oddmall: Emporium of the Weird

Oh, this is most definitely a thing that’s a thing. Well, it is several times a year anyway. With shows in Northern OhioSeattle, and Lexington (soon), Oddmall is on its way to claiming the porcelain throne as the planet’s most off the cob celebration of art, craft, and all things geeky! The first show in Seattle drew 3000 visitors in a single day, prompting us to get our wazoos in gear here in Ohio.


This year’s May 10 Oddmall show in Akron, Ohio is gearing up to knock the collective socks off everyone within a billion mile radius. We’re moving to the 35,000 square foot John S. Knight Center in downtown Akron, where we’ll have room for over 200 vendors and two stages for entertainment. There will be special guests, live music, a 100 vendor Comic, Game, and Toy Expo, a 100+ vendor handmade art and craft show, a cosplay costume parade, a zombie walk, and all sorts of other amazing jazz. I don’t want to go on about it too much, because your mind would literally leak out of your ear and curl up somewhere to bemoan the fact that it has to wait until May 10 to experience all the awesome!

Meanwhile, Oddmall Seattle is moving to a 2-Day format because one day is just not long enough to contain all the weirdness festering in that neck of the woods.

if you like this article, let me know and I’ll do another one…